Have you already decided not to read this post because the title alone has you cringing from PTFD-Post Traumatic Frozen Disorder? While I can’t promise you won’t hear children squealing in delight in the back of your head, I can tell you that this post will not leave you humming a tune you simply cannot remove from your brain.
I just wanted to address the difficulty we all face when it comes to accepting a loss in our lives. I’m not talking about death, although the holidays certainly do remind us of those who are no longer around the table, or tucking us in at night. I’m talking about those losses that we choose, not for satisfaction, but for well-being. The losses that come from a decision to cut out negative influences, even when that means losing a well-intentioned person.
Stepping out in faith has a lot of repercussions. We like to look at those who have “made it big” for Christ and just assume it all came easy. The funny thing is, as much as we know it was a long, hard road, we’re still inclined to assume it was simple. It’s not until you experience a little push-back in your own life, and you question your calling at all, that you start to internalize the struggles others faced. The choices they made. The isolation they felt.
Choices determine loss. By accepting one thing you are innately losing another. There is only so much space to fill your life and that sometimes means letting go of something you’ve been holding onto. Sometimes, that turns out to be someone.
In choosing to move to NC and let God fully direct our lives, we’ve faced a lot of loss. I know my brain can’t quite appreciate how big God is, but what I do know, is when you invite that big of an influence into your life, there is no longer going to be room for others. We’ve had to cut out a lot of influencers and it has not been an easy process. We love our friends and family, and they will always be important to us, but we’re starting to really grasp for the first time, how eternal time is and how minute our time on Earth is. So going out of our way to meet their expectations no longer holds the same weight as it used to; in the blink of an eye we’ll be home with Jesus for the rest of eternity and we’d rather please Him than anyone else.
I’ve been dealing with all of the emotions that follow this kind of choice-turned-loss. The disappointment. The loneliness. The confusion. Frustration. Anger. Judgement. Need I go on? It’s a downhill spiral from hurt to hate and it’s completely unnecessary. I can look at all the blessings God has given us by stepping out in faith but one ill-timed text message can unravel me to a lacking spiritual state. And all I wanted was for someone to reach out to me in my loneliness–it’s crazy how quickly satan can take the exact thing we were asking for and make it what delivers us into his hand.
Living fully dependent on God and no one else is an isolating path. You’re going to have to let go of people and their expectations to make room for His. People don’t understand and even Christians aren’t always supportive. Relationships are hard. Feelings are complicated. Life is messy. But God? Eternity? Heaven? Freedom? That’s easy. That’s love. All you need to do is hold tight to Him and let go of all the others. Agape; that’s the best choice I’ve ever made.